HALO: Master Chief and Arbiter funny collection
by Blades of Fate
Summary: Chief and Arbiter have a lot to deal with: the Covenant, the Flood, a broken TV and a laser that will not shoot properly. This is just a part of what you are going to witness in this fic. The rest are out of the summary, because so much insanity can't be put into words. So, what are you waiting for? Let the reading start! Rated T to be sure.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: And so the madness began

 **You know, sometimes I wonder why I write these author notes. I mean it's not like many people actually read them. Anyway, this is not a regular story it is my first one-shot (Maybe I will publish more chapters later, but this must do for now). So this will be a HALO story. Before anyone** **DARES ****to** **think anything in the lines of:** ** _"Oh my god! A HALO fic! This will be awesome with lots of explosions, a badass Master Chief and stuff like that"_** **I have something to say. I will (try to) write a humorous fic, alright? So here we go to destroy the image you have for HALO (let's not forget that I AM an evil mastermind after all). And for a shocking twist: I do NOT own HALO. It is owned by Bungie (but don't tell anyone or else…).**

It was one hell of a battle. Flood-infected Covenant were surrounding Master Chief and Arbiter. "So… why are we letting them to be on an advantageous position?" "Three reasons: First of all, this stupid author wanted an epic beginning, so that people would read his story. Second: If we break their formation, then we will not have a battle in which we avoid certain death while showing how badass we are. The third one is so classified that I was never told." "If you are done breaking the fourth wall and talking about nonsense can we begin fighting already?" the Gravemind asked through one of the infected. "Yeah, yeah I know. Jonson, what is our status?" Master Chief asked through his communication device. "Bad news Chief. It appears that the player is a complete noob." "What? How did he made it this far then?" "He used It!" "Oh, no! Not the-" "Yes… the ultimate cheat code: chili burritos." "How is that possible? We have to take back Cortana so that we can alter the code."

With Arbiter and the Gravemind:

"Does he always act like that?" the Gravemind asked. "Oh, that's nothing. The last time something like this happened he spent about an hour going around and killing any enemy that dared breathe while he was near." "…This SPARTAN is starting to creep me out."

With Master Chief:

"Alright guys I am done here. Let's continue." "Finally! Why am I siding with you?" Arbiter shouted. "Simple. If you don't then I will te-

Let's give our dear protagonist some time to finish threatening his ally.

Alright he is done.

"Got it?" "…Did the author cut that part?" Arbiter asked, while trying to recover from the shock he had just received. "… I think so." The Gravemind replied in a similar manner. "That's good. The rating of thing is T, but what Chief just said was WAY above MA." " Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad" "You threatened to give me a sweater made of my internal organs!" "Hey, I said some more threatening stuff." "Don't you dare repeat any of this." "Fine… let's just finish the fight." Master Chief said before charging against a flood infected Brute in epic super slow motion. "… This will take a while." Arbiter sighed. "Please, someone end the chapter before my sanity is destroyed beyond repair!" the Gravemind shouted.

Then Blades of Fate made a sudden cameo in order to finish the chapter just on time to save the two characters from insanity.

 **Oh yeah! I saved the day. Now I can make more chapters of this one-shot-that-is-no-longer-a-one-shot-because-I-changed—my-mind-while-I-was-writing-it. So there will be several short chapters of this thing so stay tuned. In the meantime, you can read my main story: Three heroes. Two swords. One destiny. See you next time everyone.**


	2. Chapter 2: Gimme my AI!

Chapter 2: Gimme my AI!

 **So after some serious thinking that took a whole second I decided to upload a second chapter of this thing. So this time our heroes face the greatest threat of their lives: a crazy Cortana who randomly appears on the screen and interrupts their epic moments. What are they going to do? How are they going to survive, while being controlled by the greatest noob in HALO history, who just understood that it is an FPS game? Why am I asking pointless questions instead of writing? Read and review and maybe you will get an answer. I do NOT own HALO. It is owned by Bungie. (Italics mean that Cortana is talking)**

"Chief this has to stop." Arbiter said. "That's right. We can't have our awesome game play interrupted by-" _"And then-"_ "Shut up, I'm talking!" "Meanie." "If you are done arguing with a voice in your head can we continue? I'm sick of losing in this mission." Arbiter told. "Oh come on. It happened only five times" "In one minute!" "Well… you have a point there." "Let's just get going." "Alright."

 _About ten losses(thirty seconds) later_

"That's it! I quit!" Arbiter shouted. "You can't do that! The author wants to publish more chapters of this story!" "I wonder if he will make a cameo again." Suddenly Blades of Fate appeared. "Cameo time!" "There he goes" Arbiter sighed. "Guys I have news for you! I will abandon this story and start another one in which Arbiter rules this filthy world." the author said. "Oh yeah! Take that Chief!" "It will happen on February 31 this year." "Sweet! Hey! Wait a second! This is impossible!" "Don't worry. I will do it anyway when I publish the thousandth chapter of the tenth season" "I hate you so much right now…" Arbiter said. "I have to go now so that I can write more of this story. See you around." The author said before vanishing… **WITH LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS!**

"What just happened?" Master Chief asked. "He made a cliché exit. You know… filled with explosions and stuff." "I think he was riding a tiger." "He is a madman." "You don't say!" Master Chief told in a voice so full of sarcasm that it almost crushed the game mechanics.

"So, before the author appeared we were talking about Cortana." "That's right, Chief." "I think I found an easy solution to our problem." "Blow her up?" "No you idiot. Retrieve her." "But according to the script in HALO 5 she will-" "Shut up you game plot spoiling fiend!" "What the-" Don't say it!" "Chief are you alright? You behave kind of strangely." "I'm fine! No wait am I?! Why do you care anyway?! You were an enemy in the last game! What if you are plotting against me?! TRAITOR!"

 _We interrupt Chief's DMoUS (Dramatic Monologue of Utter Stupidity) to bring you Arbiter and Cortana_

"How can you stay with him the whole time?" Arbiter asked the AI that had decided to make another sudden appearance _"Well, The best solution is to put his armor to mute. You know, so that no sound can come out."_ "So that's why he doesn't talk so much." _"Exactly."_ "I have an idea!" _"Don't worry. It is could have happened to anyone."_ "I will pretend that you never said that… So I figured that the only way to stop the Chief is to find you so that you can do that mute thing." _"Yeah, right. Good luck with it. You aren't even halfway there."_ "It doesn't matter. We will face every danger that fate puts in our way. We will fulfill our destinies as-". Suddenly the voice of Blades of Fate echoed through the whole level. "Could you stop with these monologues? They take time to write! I can't have you ruining my schedule! I have scheduled to conquer the universe in three hours, but I will be late if I have to wait for you to finish with your nonsense!" "But we don't have anything epic enough to finish the chapter with." "Oh, don't worry about that…" About 9,983,749,230,472,390 elites appeared out of nowhere. "I hate you so much right now…" "And so our heroes battled for about three weeks against the elites. According to the legend they still haven't finished. The end"

 **Another chapter is done! The next will be published soon (it might take one week). Let's hope that our heroes will be done fighting by that time (What kind of criminal mastermind would send so many elites against to warriors at once? Oh yeah: me)**

Arbiter: How am I supposed to defeat them?!

BoF: Just look at the Chief.

Arbiter: Holy crap!

The chief was jumping around like the maniac he is killing elites, while being followed by rainbows.

Noble 6: Why couldn't I do this at the end of HALO Reach?

Arbiter: What the- What is he doing here?! He is supposed to be dead!

Cortana: There is no logic in this situation

BoF: You do remember who is the author right?

Arbiter: Well… that explains everything.

Cortana: So when are they going to get me back?

BoF (who suddenly has a mustache and a monocle): Very soon… very soon…

Arbiter: He is scary…

Noble 6: This is a madhouse!


	3. Chapter 3: Oh no! We have a problem!

Chapter 3: Oh no! We have a problem!

 **I decided to write another chapter of this story, while thinking of creative ways to continue the other one (I have some problems with the plot there). Also, it is a very important day for me. Dutchmaniac, since you are my first follower, I have a gift for you. You can send me a HALO OC you have and your character will be included in my story. I would like you to include the OC's appearance, characteristics, abilities and a backstory. Enjoy, read, review, follow, feel your minds exploding because of the complete lack of logic. All of these while reading the third chapter of my second fic. I do NOT own HALO. It is owned by Bungie.**

Arbiter entered the computer room to find Chief and Cortana searching the entire database. "Are you looking for an important file Chief?" "Yeah. The plot." "Okay then… Wait a second… Why is she here? We still haven't retrieved her, remember?" The Chief suddenly turned to Arbiter and yelled "What have you done?!" "What?" "You just made a reference to another chapter of the fic!" "So what?" "You destroyed it! It was supposed to be made of several independent chapters! Now we must make a bloody sacrifice to please author's ego and then-". Suddenly BoF appeared! "Cortana, mute him now!" _"With pleasure…"_ "Thank God I arrived on time." "What do you mean?" "Due to your reference to chapter 2 the plot is ruined! As a result this story is mixed with a deadly weapon: The Internet." "Wait a second! The story has a plot?!" "It was supposed to be a sudden twist." "And what is that internet thing?" _"A new icon appeared on the computer screen."_ "It has begun…" BoF said. "So what is this?" "You type something and some results will appear" _"Actually it is a-"_ "Oh no you won't!" the author yelled. "The last time anyone allowed you to explain something the poor guy had to waste five chapters writing your nonsense!" "So now what?" Arbiter asked, confused by all those references. "Hmmmm… I got it! We will do some epic battle scenes!" The author shouted. "We've already done this." "How about spawning a ridiculously pwerfull force of elites?" "We did it in the last chapter." Suddenly BoF changed into an outfit that looked like the a general's suit. "Gentlemen, I will not lie to you. The situation is a bad one. The Holy crap-o-meter is-" "OVER 9,000!" "Shut up Vegeta! As I was saying, we are losing this battle. I am running out of ideas. I can hardly think of a million more chapters and then it will be over." _And your point is…"_ "I must include OCs" "NOOOOOOOOOO" the master Chief shouted, forgetting he was muted. "So, I suppose you have another idea, Chief?" "Oh yes. I just need an angler fish, a microwave, a HALO ring, Arbiter's right eye, three tons of cherry jam and Cortana'a data chip." "Judging from the look of pure terror on Arbiter's eyes as he rushed out of the room going through the wall I believe that you must think of something else or…" "Or what?" "We could just cause lots of explosions." "Hell yeah!"

 _Ten seconds later_

"So Chief, I guess that blowing up the ship's core and making it fall on a flood-infected planet was a bad idea?" "No. I like it here. Now me and Arbiter can spend our time between the chapters of this story doing things every self-respecting badass does." "That's right. And I got to keep my eyes!" Arbiter said. "Well, now that you mention it… Come over here…" "Oh hell no!"

Dutchmaniac,don't forget your present (There is one more thing that you will get after you send me the OC. It will include my next story. Maybe it will be a sneak peek. Who knows…) (send the character descreption as a review).

 **So I left our heroes on the planet the gravemind uses as a base. But don't worry. It's not like it is part of my master plan to make you so focused on my story that I will be able to conquer the whole world. See you next time. By the way, everyone who follows me will get a special gift. See you next time guys (and sorry that it is a short one, the next one will be much bigger).**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Oh noes!

 **Hey everyone, long time no see! Man I swear that my school is trying to kill me… Anyway get ready for the return of the madness that made millions tear their computers to pieces. The insanity that began three civil wars and nine rebellions (and yes I've been counting). The lack of logic that… you get the point.**

 _"_ _Arbiter."_ Cortana called. "What is it?" _"It's the Chief…again."_ Suddenly, they heard a noise from Chief's room. The SPARTAN burst through a wall, shot the computer screen, threw a grenade out of the window, bitch-slapped Arbiter and infected Cortana with a virus that gave her a hiccup… in five seconds. "… WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!" Arbiter asked wondered screamed. _"I think that *hic* he is upset because BoF didn't *hic* update the story."_ Chief burst into the room again (opening a second hole for some reason). "It's been a whole month and there hasn't been even one update! If HALO 6 was released it would be better but now I am stuck here doing nothing but bursting through walls!" "…You do know that your behavior is clearly shattering the fourth wall, endangering the story's space and time continuum and causing me a headache, right?" "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, YOU SPACE LIZARD THINGY?!" "Blackboard, please." Arbiter said as a blackboard out of the blue. "Thanks invisible persons that grants wishes" Arbiter said. "He grants wishes?! Hey, I want a giant tank. And make it extra heavy" the Chief said moments before a gigantic tank rushed through the room, effectively making him look like a carpet. Then Johnson came in asking "Did anyone see the prototype radioactive tank?" "Yeah it just passed by." "Where did you get that carpet? It looks great." Johnson asked. "Johnson… Get the hell out of the room before I strangle you using your stomach." The Chief said with a funny voice (Come on everyone! He just got smashed by a radioactive tank! Give him a break!) "HOLY CRAP! THE CARPET TALKED! IT MUST BE A COVENANT SPY! OPEN FIRE EVERYONE!"

We interrupt this scene of excessive violence (and language) to bring you a message from our sponsor U.S.E.L.E.S.S.:

 **Hey you! Yeah you! Are you sick of waiting for your SPARTAN laser to fire? Do you want a jetpack with infinite fuel? Do you feel like throwing a black hole at your enemies? Well, that's too bad for you, since we don't have any of these. We have something better. The… Chiefinator! By using this awesome weapon you will force your enemies to listen to Chief's dramatic childhood story with Arbiter playing violin for extra sadness.**

What the…

After the Chief spent a whole day running from Johnson and his marines he returned to find Arbiter waiting for him. "What do you want?" "Hello SPARTAN. How was your day?" "Awesome." "Really?" "Yeah of course… Now step aside so that I can grief in my room." "Don't you want to hear my plan?" "The one you were talking about earlier? HELL NO!" Chief said as he burst into his room creating another hole… then the building collapsed. "DAMN YOU GRAVITY!" the Chief screamed.

 **Tadaaaa! I am back! I really don't have anything to say so… Follow and review. And check out my other story too. It isn't too popular, but guess what? I made some improvements and it's much better now. See you next time guys.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Just a normal day (yeah right…)

 **Hello everyone! Today we will examine our heroes' daily routine. It's about time we saw what they do when not being badass or acting like… the last 4 chapters. Get ready and read this alone or risk punching the person next to you when you will no longer be able to cope with the madness of the story. Read, follow and review or I will spoil HALO 6 to you (that's way too evil even for me!)**

Master Chief:

6:00: sleeping with his SPARTAN laser and dreaming of mass destruction

8:00: waking up and brushing his helmet

10:00: running away from the plot

12:00: chasing grunts and brutes and things like that

14:00: yo mama contest against Arbiter (EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!)

16:00: playing HALO 6 (because waiting is for losers!)

18:00: being badass

18:01: falls asleep

Arbiter:

5:00: replacing Chief's toothpaste with something so disgusting that the author was unable to write about it

8:01: enjoying Chief's screams of terror

9:00: making plans for a dramatic appearance in HALO 6

11:00: giving Cortana betrayal guidelines

13:30: thinking of creative ways to insult Chief

14:00: I refuse to write this again

16:00: showing the Chief who's boss by beating HALO 6 in half an hour

18:00: prepares the you-know-what and puts it in the fridge so that it is ready by 5:00

19:00: falls asleep

Cortana:

5:00- 19:00: browsing antivirus programs (it's like taking an aspirin) and realizing that she is surrounded by idiots

19:01-4:59: planning her betrayal

… **Why did I write this? Oh yeah! It's because I am planning something big and this was simply filler! Visit my profile page and read my bio so that you get a clue of what's going to happen… If you dare… Muahahahahahahahaaaa coughcoughcough…**


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